I Don't really2 know anymore

i don't know anymore..
i don't know what to do
how to feel..
yeah i am sad and angry and disappointed and i wished i had ice cream to eat rite now..
but how angry sad and disappointed i am..
it is still going to be the same..
i don't know either to just let go..
or just shut my feelings..
coz it would probably happen again like for the last 6 or 7 times (the same thing happened but it happened twice so0 i don't know..does it count..??)
i do love him
i do love our relationship..
but i just can't stand it anymore..our relationship revolves around her..
even if we were out together she would always be there with him..
a picture..a text..drivings license..
she is everywhere even if she's not there..
i just don't know if i can bare it anymore..
she is popping up like mushroom every time and every where..
he kept saying that he keeps remembering the memories that he has with her every time i ask him..
what about our memories??what about us??is that not enough???
am i not enough??
when i ask him..he just says that ' no..your good'
i seriously don't know what to do anymore..
i do wanna talk bout this with my bestfriends..but i don't wanna burden them with my problems..
yeah..they have their own problems..with a stupid exbf who wants to kill himself..i think if he did kill himself..it would do alot of good to most of us..
i guess i'm tired of being second with her being 1st in everything..
i feel like i just wanna run away from all of this..
i don't even think i wanna get married anymore..(if my mum pushes me well..she has to be the one to find a guy for me)
and i don't even know if i wanna be in a relationship anymore..any kind of relationship..
i do wanna b loved..i do wanna feels like i'm the only one that matters..
but i don't think thats going to happen..
who am i kidding right..
thats y i have a lot of exbf..
none cared about me much just cared about what their friends are going to say if i were their gf..
i'm tired for being a symbol for status..(i don't know why that happens..it is still a big blurry to me)
i guess i'm just tired with all of this..with the status..being 2nd..
yeah so0 tired of this..
i feel like i wanna go somewhere new and just start life all over..
if i'm lucky and get the degree in fashion..i would just be here for a few moths and then i could be so0 far away from everybody..
i don't care if i get shipped to singapore,sydney, uk or milan..(wow milan gurl??thats a big dream you have..yeah like they are going to send you to milan..uk is as far as they can shipped you to..)
if i do get it..atleats if we brokeup i can start a new life there on my own..
if he keeps thinking about her..still loves her..still keeping stuff of her..
i am so0 absolutely positively sure we are not going to work out at all..
he said that he wrote the thing about her..well a long time ago..
he said he didn't post it..he just saved it in the draft box..
well the post that i read was posted last year..four months ago..
the date was 11 November 2010 and he posted on 4.30pm..
that is what i got with what i dig last night..
if he lies..then what else can i do..i don't even know if he is lying
but if he is telling the truth..it's great..
but still it does hurts..
i'm not saying that he's not enough..
i'm not saying he's bad..
nobody's perfect like he quoted..
but its true no one's perfect..
but at least just forget about her..
that is all that i want..
i don't wanna find her stuff..her pictures..her text anymore..
if you weren't so0 much in love with her as u said..yeah i don't mind if u guys contacted one another..
but she wants you back obviously..
to make things worse
you still love her..
that is not the best part yet..cause the cherry on top of that is..
she told everyone that i stole u from her..
i feel like a fucking door mat..
i'm stubborn..yes that is who i am
i don't really give people chances..
usually if anybody breaks my heart..yup thats it your gone..
i never give a lot of chances to people except him and my exbf..
my exbf was fuckingly annoying..everytime i ask for a breakup..
he squeals..he begged..he cried..and every single second that i didn't want him back..he force me to..
my bf well i love him..but sometimes he does make me think about us..
maybe i am just the rebound girl..
maybe i'm just the girl that he want to just fool around to forget his exgf..
but i guess even that doesn't work..
maybe we want different things in this relationship..
i want a serious 1..after all the times that i've been through..
well he doesn't..
maybe it was my fault i never asked him that..
i don't know who's fault is it..
and i do't wanna know..and i don't care
i'm just so0 confused..
i don't know what i really2 want right now..
cause what i want isn't the same as what he wants..
and i don't know if us can handle this..
i don't know what is going to happen to us now..
but if this keeps happening i think we will do have an expiration date for sure..
just that i don't know when..